Sure, why let my family have all the "health" related fun?? We received an email from my sister in law Saturday night, and well, my Mother in Law is really doing poorly. As a little background, I'll start at the beginning.
Eric's Mom & Dad split when he was 5, she remarried when he was, oh, 8 or 9. They have one child together, and she's a sweetheart. She has 2 adorable little boys and lives in CT. His stepdad had a couple of kids, already married when he married my Mother in Law, so really, I met one of them once..no real relationship there...my other sister in law lives the next town over from us, and we see them all the time. My Mother in law was the one in a million, the Holy Grail of Mother in Laws...she was happy to see us, thrilled with eveything whenever she was here. NEVER (and I mean NEVER!!) critical or finding fault. Then she started to get confused. When Anna was 4, she was here to visit, and within 5 minutes went from speaking to Anna, to asking my Mom WHO Anna was. She was officially diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago.
My Father in law, who is older than she is, has been running the show at their house, not accepting any offers of help and proclaiming that everything is fine. I suppose I need to mention that they live and hour and a half from us, so we aren't looking in on them..one of my father in law's daughters is. She is the one who started the email last week. My Mother in law has been getting agitated and increasingly more confused. She was outside the house the other day saying "They won't let me go home", but she was just standing out in her own yard. She burst into tears when she was told they were going to go in the car home and the ride would take 3 hours.
At first, I had discussed with my sisters in law that if my Father in law died first, that we are really the only ones to take her in and care for her. This seemed reasonable until this email. If she is at this point now, where might she be in a couple of years? I am concerned about having her here, and how that may effect Anna, who will still be too young to understand what is going on with her grandmother. It feels very selfish to say that I am taking my offer back, but when I talked with my sister in law yesterday, she actually said she had been thinking the same thing. We all agreed that we need to look to a solution now for the both of them to be moved into a care community. This is my job this week. Find out all I need to about the 2 communities nearest to us.
I'm sad for the loss of my wonderful Mother in law, I'm sorry there isn't more I can do to help, and I wonder, does anyone who reads my blog have any experience with alzheimers/dementia ? I still wonder if it may be better for her to be in a home environment instead of in an institutional environment? Our home is full of kids, and activity and pets...would this maybe be better for her, maybe more "engaging" for her, instead of a nursing home? or is this kind of a place worse for her, and more upsetting? I know sometimes doing the right thing is hard, and I do feel like me saying "let's find them a place together now" is really the easy road.
OK, I'm listening...
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3 comments:
Good question. When you figure it out, would you let me know? We’re in more or less the same situation with my step-grandfather, only there are fortunately no children involved (and even if they were, we wouldn’t inflict this man upon them in a healthy state, let alone with Alzheimer’s). My grandmother is still taking care of him, but she’s 87 and not getting any younger. He refuses to go into any kind of care community and we’re all worried about what’s going to happen. *sigh* Ok, there’s no advice in there, but I do sympathize.
My opinion – keep in mind I have no children and live 10’000 miles away from any of my family – is that it wouldn’t be good for your daughter, even if you can take care of your MIL properly. Alzheimer’s isn’t like old age. People afflicted with Alz. can become violent and/or do some really weird things that children are never going to understand. In the long run, I would want to spare her the pain of having to live with that for what could be years and years to come. I know it sounds selfish, but I really would want to spare the child if you can, i.e. if you can provide your PILs with a good environment where they are reasonably happy and close to you; if you can’t do that, it’s another story. Kids can lump it if it’s the best thing for the family as a whole, but I personally wouldn’t ask them to do so if it weren’t truly necessary. I suppose I should qualify my opinion by saying that my mother was diagnosed with MS shortly before I was born so I grew up in a household where taking care of someone else, or helping to, was fairly prevalent from an early age. It didn’t kill me (yes, well, obviously not), but it wasn’t fun.
Well, it seems that while nothing is going to happen immediately, we are moving on with the idea of placing them together in an assisted care type of place. When my Mom arrived home from her trip she made sure I knew that she didn't feel it was right to do to Anna either...I have worked too hard to have a peaceful childhood for her to toss it up in the air now (or 2 years from now..). So, I'll be a good daughter in law going to visit as often as I can once they are settled somewhere. And considering that my FIL will barely accept help, that may be a while from now.
Oh man, that just really sucks, to put it crassly. My grandfather had Alzheimer's,and was put into a nursing home after they found him wandering on the highway at least 5 miles away. Yeah, it was kind of scary.
I know how it feels to want to take care of your mother in law. And I know the guilt associated with putting her in a nursing home. But you have to ask yourself one question. Can you give her the proper care? It's 24/7, and even harder than taking care of an infant. And you have to do special things to your house, like the locks so they can't go wandering around, and the stove handles so they don't turn on the stove....you really have to ask yourself if you have the ability to take care of your mother in law. I know nursing homes are set up for this with safeguards already in place and (hopefully) trained staff. As long as you do your homework on the facility, you should feel comfortable with your decision. I don't know if I could take care of a relative with dementia or Alzheimer's. And if you decide to do that I really admire you. Make sure you have a good support system...and try to join some support groups as well. There's a lot more to taking care of them besides activity.
And for your daughter, this is how she will remember her grandma, not how she used to be. Try to keep the memories as pleasant as possible, since kids tend to remember the weirdest things. Especially if she is/was the kind of wonderful woman who I would love to have as a mother in law!!
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